Poor Husband

A man who has been in prison for 10 years escapes and breaks into a house to look for money and guns. He finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

Husband: Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.

Wife: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!

Insulted Woman

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Bride and Groom

Bride: Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?

Groom: OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time. Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Bride: Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.

Groom: Then we will have to re-imprison him.

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile.

Bride: Honey, the prisoner is out again!

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

Bride: Honey, the prisoner escaped again.

Groom: Hey, its not a life sentence, OKAY!

The Interview

Reporter: Sir, what is the secret of your success?

Bank President: Two words.

Reporter: And, sir,what are they?

Bank President: Right decisions.

Reporter: And how do you make right decisions?

Bank President: One word.

Reporter: And, sir, what is that?

Bank President: Experience.

Reporter: And how do you get Experience?

Bank President: Two words.

Reporter: And, sir, what are they?

Bank President: Wrong decisions.

Best Chess Player

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Don't Worry

The mother of a 16-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried that her girl might become pregnant, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop them would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother talked about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Jean!"

Two Guys and a Bear

Two buddies were camping in the woods together, sharing a tent. One morning they heard rustling outside the tent. It was then followed by a loud growl. They looked out and sure enough, it was a huge brown bear looking for food.

The first guy immediately started throwing on his clothes and running shoes. The second guy looked with astonishment.

Guy 2: What are you going to do?

Guy 1: RUN!

Guy 2: You can't outrun a bear.

Guy 1: I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you!

The Lucky Saucer

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a very rare and precious piece of pottery.
He strolled into the store and offered 20 dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and probably half wild, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to 100 dollars."

"It's a deal," said the proprietor, and pocketed money on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the connoisseur. "The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said the proprietor firmly. "That's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold 15 cats."

The Cowboy

A cowboy rides up to a saloon on his horse. He goes in, orders a drink, then leaves. His horse is gone. He goes back to the saloon and asks, "Where's my horse?"

No one replies. So he says, "I'll order one more drink, and then if my horse isn't outside, I'll have to do what I did in Texas and I don't like doing that."

So the locals hurry around, and when he leaves, his horse is outside.

As the stranger gets on his horse, the bartender asks, "What did you do in Texas?" to which the cowboy replies, "I had to walk home."

The Holy One

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was brought to a mental institution.

He was put in a room with another patient, and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!"

The other guy looked at him and declared, "I did not!"

The Bravest Rat

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking and bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first rat says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second rat says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to play with my cat."

Looking Into the Eyes

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Valentines Gift

As Valentines day was approaching, Charlie decided to buy a special gift for his new girlfriend, Ruth. The couple had not been dating for very long, and so Charlie wanted to make sure the gift was just right. Ruth was always complaining about having cold hands, and so Charlie - after careful consideration - decided a good gift would be a nice pair of gloves.

Charlie took his sister with him to buy the gift - he wanted a woman's opinion. they found a nice pair of gloves at the store, and Charlie's sister purchased a pair of panties at the same time. Unfortunately, the sales clerk got the two items mixed up. Charlie mailed his Valentine's Day gift to Ruth, accompanied by the following note:

Dear Ruth,

I chose this Valentines Day gift as I noticed that you often don't wear any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister, I would have chosen the ones with buttons, but she prefers short ones that are much easier to remove.

These are a lovely color. The lady at the store where I bought them showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks, and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and they looked quite lovely.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time; no doubt, other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them lightly before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I'll be kissing them in the future. I hope you'll wear them Friday night for me.

Love,
Charlie

Truth Hurts

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A can of coffee
A package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

I was startled and intrigued by this proclamation since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

With curiosity getting the better of me, I retorted, "You're actually right, but how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Because you're ugly."

The King's Daughter

Once upon a time, there lived a king. He had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. Metal, wood, plastic - anything. Because of this, men were afraid. Nobody would dare marry her. The king was in despair. What could he do to help his daughter?

One day, the king consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told him, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured." The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!! The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the
third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?




They were M&M's of course! They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking?)

A Tale of Sandwiches

Two officemates arrived at a pub and ordered a couple of drinks. Then they took sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry manager approached them and said, "Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The two looked at each other, shrugged, and exchanged sandwiches.

Fun with Nuns

Three nuns were in the church. Two were crying and one was laughing. The priest walked up to first nun.

Priest: Why are you crying?
Nun 1: I stole a car.
Priest: Go drink from the holy water.

The first nun ran immediately to have a drink. The priest went up to the second nun.

Priest: Why are you crying?
Nun 2: I killed someone.
Priest: Go drink from the holy water.

The second nun also ran to have a drink. The priest then went to the third nun.

Priest: Why are you laughing?
Nun 3: I peed in the holy water!

Anyone Here

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and again she yelled:

"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE!!?"

Then she heard a voice from far, far away:

"Hello! We're down here..."

Stupid Businessman

Just starting his own firm, a young businessman rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, he picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. After a couple of minutes, he finally hung up and asked the visitor.

Businessman: Can I help you?
Man: Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.